Life makes brutal jokes and we learn lessons worth learning the hard way.
I just turned 30 and I can’t help but admit how good I’m feeling. A year ago, I spent my birthday in Glasgow feeling very lonely, terribly longing for a friend’s hug and still I was feeling better than one year ago. This year, I was lucky enough to cook mum’s recipes for some of my best friends, who were happy to celebrate me. This is quite precious. I received lots of flowers that are still alive, fill my room with lovely scents and remind me of how rebellious staying alive is.
This year is dedicated to being and staying authentic, which is the ultimate rebellion.
Being gentle and kind is a rebellion. I have recently changed many things in my life in the search for true authenticity, like a true rebel. I’m in my cave, which has been lacking for a long while, making rebellious plans. I’m feeling more loving and generous than before. And yet, thinking about all the things I wanna do give me fear. It’s hard to imagine how there’ll ever be enough time or mental space, but hopefully, we’ll have lifetimes.
I’m also thinking a lot about discomfort.
The discomfort of apology. Of conflict. Of unclarity. And of fragility. And cold winters. And rejection. And lacking energy. Of Demons. And criticism. Which come up when I think about all the things I wanna do. What if I can’t make them? And die with so much trapped in my body eating my flesh like worms? And what if time flies like it always does? And Demons win? Do I make terrible mistakes? I end up sharing my deepest vulnerabilities with the world? I feel completely naked?
I’m jealous of musicians.
I’m always jealous of them. Those modern time healers and magicians. Music is medicine, and music is the drug. Music, which is so ephemeral and forgiving, can save us from all our inner conflicts moments. Like the air that feeds everything. It is so effortless and full of emotions.
I go back to the dilemma between authenticity and discomfort.
It’s quite simple actually. You either are yourself, or you’re nothing at all. And that’s the end of it. But before you go, please excuse my cheesy self development-y tone. Just couldn't help it.
This post was inspired by the Notebook for Creatives | CONTRAST, in our shop. On its back cover balance is described as "an extremity; a conflict; a discomfort; a rule-breaker; a rebel; a narcissist; a sarcastic remark"